Category Archives: About My Friends

Are You An Attractor?

Quite a while back I developed a theory about a certain kind of person that I think we all know. I call them “The Attractors” and it’s not meant in a good way.

Do you know someone who (mostly bad) things always seem to happen to? One week their cat is run over, the next their car gets hit, then they break a leg, they get dumped, get a flat tire… One thing after another?

Yeah – they’re probably an attractor. I can sometimes tell an attractor right away because they’re in the middle of attracting: “Oh man, my car started smoking. I don’t know if it’ll last.” but sometimes they can be tricky to spot. Some attractors are quick to share the details of their life and tell you all about their issues. Others keep fairly quiet, making them harder to spot.

The more difficult variety may sprinkle a liberal amount of good things into their stories. They may be jovial, friendly and exude “good times” until you start to really pay attention. Then you’ll spot the signs. They exhibit the signs of being genuinely happy (and even may be happy) but their calamities keep piling up. Just because Bertha at the office bakes the best cakes, loves her cats and knits everyone a toque for their Christmas present, look a little deeper.

You: Hi Bertha! Great to see you! How are you doing?

Bertha: Hey you! I’m awesome. Shucks, thanks for asking. I had a fantastic weekend, but Bernie died on Saturday night. He was old and is in a better place. I was taking Cookie to the vet on Sunday, and gosh darn it if my car didn’t break down at the top of the on-ramp! Lordy what a back up mess I made!

You: Golly Bertha, that sounds terrible. I’m so sorry.

Bertha: Hey, I just made these brownies, would you like one?

You: I love brownies, sure, thanks.

Bertha: Yeah, me too. I was going to make some fudge, but after the fridge stopped working, I couldn’t do much. I spent the rest of the day in the hospital having my toe put back on.

You: What!? OMG! Bertha, you poor thing.

At first, you just think Bertha had a bad weekend, but then you start to think harder. Didn’t her aunt die last month? Did she tell you she was getting audited? What about the slip-and-fall at The Gap? The list goes on.

Bertha is – an attractor. I always stay on the look out for these folks because not only do they seem to attract chaos & darkness, they can attract people like you and me (assuming you’re not an attractor) and never let us go! We get sucked in along with everyone and everything else, with no hope of escaping their vortex.

Don’t get me wrong. These are NOT BAD PEOPLE. They’re often good people, to whom bad things happen WAY more often than the norm.

Consider yourself warned.

Free Samples

A while ago Chris posted about 2 conversations we had. One here, the other here and they are fairly typical of a conversation we have. In fact, they are accurate transcriptions of what we said. Here’s another one.

This could be why our friends refuse to hang out with us too often.

Chris: “Um, Jeff, how do I…”

Me: “If you use all the words, I can answer you better.”

Chris: “Never mind, I think I got it. I have a bad habit of asking questions without thinking.”

Me: “That’s where the teddy-bear comes in.”

If you think you can keep up, or not go crazy, give us a call and we’ll do coffee.

Get off my lawn!

So, after another fantastic weekend in Vancouver, with much time spent out doors, enjoying the company of friends and family (furry too), I’ve come to a sad realization.

I’m going to be the crotchety old man on the block yelling “Get off mylawn you damn kids!” and waving my cane from my rocker on my porch.

I’m a patient guy, as most people who know me will attest. But since I’m not a saint, I do have my limits. Idiots of any stripe, smokers, drunken assholes, trashy women, pot heads etc. The usual complaints irritate me. But add to the list pretty much anyone who is inconsiderate of others.

This includes (but is not limited to):

  • People who don’t leash their dog in public
  • People who leash their dog but think a 30 foot extend-a-lead is appropriate in all cases
  • People who don’t clean up after their dog shits in public
  • People who stand right outside building entrances and smoke
  • People who congregate along a sidewalk and smoke
  • People who smoke
  • Asshats with their car alarm sensitivity turned up so high that someone sneezing sets it off
  • Asshats with their car alarm sensitivity turned up so high that a car passing sets it off
  • Asshats who are not within hearing distance of their car alarm for 3 hours while it goes off. What’s the point of having an alarm if you’re not listening to/for it?
  • People who think any flat surface is good for skateboarding
  • People who think any flat surface is good for bike riding
  • People who go grocery shopping and somehow think that driving a shopping cart isn’t at all like driving
  • People who go grocery shopping and think that driving a shopping cart is like the demolition derby
  • People who take their kids shopping and think that the store is a playground or daycare center
  • Store employees who think their job is just to take money
  • Employees who think their job doesn’t require them to work

I’m sure there’s about 100 more, and Chris has about 1000 more, but like I said – I’m fairly patient with people.

Just stay off my lawn.

Worst. Week. Ever. And then it got better.

Wow. I’m so glad it’s Sunday night. It means last week is over! Finally. I mean really.

Ok. Maybe it wasn’t THE worst week ever for anyone, but it’s the worst one in a while for me.

Plague & Pestilence. A box spring full of ticks. Cost: $1400 for proper disposal and a new bed. They probably saw me coming when they sold me the protective condoms (or whatever) for the mattress, but we’ll try anything to keep the pests away.

Thankfully, whatever med the dog takes fights fleas and ticks and he was unscathed.

Our tradeshow wasn’t the financial boon I was hoping it would be. Hopefully the few hundred cards we gave out and the exposure will start to pay off shortly.

On top of that, my regular job was INSANE all week.

Now the good stuff.

I got to hang out with my aunt Kathy and cousin Nancy-Anne. I haven’t seen Kathy in probably 20 years, and it’s been about 5-8 years since I saw Nancy-Anne. It was SO great to catch up with them.

Chris has been off since Thursday on vacation, so we had lots of time to reconnect after weird schedules for the last few months. He bought Lego Batman for PS2 and we’ve been having a good, cathartic time saving Gotham.

Small victories.

Reconnecting for fun

I got a Gmail chat from my friend Carol today. She had to put one of her cats down. She loves her cats, so it sounds like it was a hard choice, but the right one. She suggested I read her blog to get caught up.

Krazy Kat Lady’s space

Nothing much has changed for poor Carol. I think Jerry Springer would have a TON of footage if they followed her family around.